You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
