It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
