Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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