How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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