I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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