Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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