My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
