i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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