Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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