i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
