After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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