This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
