Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
