god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
