all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
