Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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