He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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