It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
