i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I see more hoeing in ur future
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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