Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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