Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
