I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
