so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
