shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
