I think I won the penis lottery.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
