Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
