I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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