i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
