Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
