Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My vagina is officially offended.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
