I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
people are starting to question the shark bite story
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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