I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My ATM looks so different sober.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
3pm strippers are depressing
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
