The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
