guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
