Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver