so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening