i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.