I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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