I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
