Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
