Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
