i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
