After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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