This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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