the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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