now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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