Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish my penis had an off switch
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
