Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
