got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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