marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
