you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
