Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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