He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
