Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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