I cannot find my penis.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
