Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
